Questions that keep me up at night.

I don't dream a lot. 

Josh says its because all my dreams came true when I married him, I beg to differ, though.

But when I do dream it usually contains some sort of scary near death experience.

Last night was no different.

Shortly before bed I tried to help one of my third graders with a math worksheet he'd brought home. Since it't only the second week of school, I'm pretty sure it was just a review of what they learned in 2nd grade. Which makes me feel even more like I am the one who need Kumon.

Apparently these days math is done with blocks. I had no idea.

This is what our conversation looked like last night:

Me: "What does this scrabble letter "T" mean?"

CJ: "Shoot... I don't even know!"

Me: "Where is the map key or Legend?"

CJ: "What's that?"

Me: "It tells you what these dumb blocks mean."

CJ: " I've never heard of that."

Me: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiilyn!!!!"

Rilyn: "Ma'am."

Me: " What does this box with a"T" in it mean?"

Rilyn: "That's is 10,000, duh! Did you even go to third grade, Mom?"

Last night I dreamed  that my husband was addicted to gambling and he owed some shark guy a million dollars.

I woke up at 2 am this morning, sweating. 

I was all like, okay.... if we have two weeks to pay the shark guy back, how much do we need to pay him everyday? 

Now, how many blocks is that?

What does a block mean? 

Or a block with a "T" in it?  

I don't even know how much money we have! 

WHY CANT I COUNT THE BLOCKS?! 

WHY ARE THE NUMBERS TURNING IN TO BLOCKS? 

HOW MANY BLOCKS IS RYKER WORTH? 

AGGGGGHHH!

These are questions that keep me up at night. 

The Secret Life of Pets: CJ's Edition

Why take my kids to see "Secret Life of Pets" when we are living in our own version right now?

Let me explain... while checking out the videos and photos on CJ's iPad I discovered his debut video for his new YouTube channel.

(He doesn't have a YouTube channel, but judging by the video, he wants one.)

He starts off....."Hey guys! Thanks for joining me here again on CJ's reptiles."

Next he gives a shout out to  Snake Hunters Tv.

And I'm all like... "this is so cute!"

He continues..."I'll leave a link to Snake Hunters Tv right here." he says pointing up.

"Like right here... on my forehead." he adds, pointing to his forehead.

(And I'm cracking up...)

Note to self: I'll have to let his IT guys know the link isn't showing up.

 "So who's excited?!...Let's get started!" he exclaims happily.

And at this point, I can't wait.

What's next, what's next!

"Check out my little friend, the Leopard Spotted Gecko. I've been keeping him as a pet under my bed in a box. My mom has no idea."

I'm not laughing anymore.

But wait! It gets better.....

He continues, "What do I feed him you ask? I'm not sure yet. I'm just going to wait until next week and feed him. See yall again later on CJ's reptiles! Bye guys!"

That poor lizard never had a chance...

The adventures of riding the bus.

Everything is all cool until your kids almost spend the weekend at the bus barn.

The first week of school was great..... until Friday.

My MIL was having surgery on Friday (kidney stones, nothing major, I wished they had kept her a week... or two, though.)

My husband works at their family printing company and was manning it alone Friday (he usually picks the kids up from school) therefore, my kids were forced to ride the bus to my office.

Which, like getting braces and wearing glasses, they were much more excited about until it actually happened.

My kids have been car riders their entire life, so the idea of them having to ride the bus was exciting.

Let me give you the short cliff note version of what transpired:

3:30PM- My kids were dismissed from school

4:20 PM- I call the bus barn to inquire about when my kids would be dropped off at my office since our office closes at 4:30. (My office is literally 3 miles from the school.)

The lady at the bus barn told me that  the bus was on the corner of Washington/Pine. Which is great, I work on Washington. She said the bus should arrive at my office any minute.

Apparently she forgot to ask the bus driver if she had even picked up the kids yet.

Because she hadn't.

4:35- I received a call from my kids' super, awesome-principal who informed me that my kids' bus was reeeeeeeeally late and had just picked up my kids. He said my kids told him to call me because I was probably super worried. They were right. My kids are so smart.

Like me.

5:20- My kids arrive at my office.

My kids scramble to my car (in the pouring ran.)

"We  were the last ones to get dropped off and its all your fault!" screeched Rilyn.

"My fault? Why?" I asked, confused.

"Because the bus driver lady didn't know where we were suppose to go." CJ informed me.

"The school didn't give you a note to give to her?" I asked, still confused.

"Yes, they did. But you put Washington Ave (she pronounced it Avie). And she said she didn't know what an 'AVE' is!"

"Well she doesn't need to be driving a bus if she doesn't know what avenue means!" I said, "How did yall get home then?"

"It took forever! I tried to help her, I asked her if she knew where the Blue Duck is (the Blue Duck is a restaurant right next to my office), because everyone knows where the Blue Duck is... but she said she didn't. Can you believe that?" hissed Rilyn.

"So then I said hey, do you know were Jack-N-The-Box is?... And she said she sure did!" chirped  Raigen.

Leave it to my first grader to save the day.

" I told that lady... how do you not know where my moms work is.... you have passed my Dad's shop 3 times!" Rilyn said, a matter-of-factly.

(My husband and both work on Washington Ave., btw.)

My kids now refuse to ride the bus ever again.

And now I have a bargaining tool.

Misbehave at school and can you guess what the punishment is?

 

Husband hair cuts = Bad idea.

It's been about a year since I've  been to a salon, so to say I'm in need of a haircut is an understatement.

To tell you the truth, I hadn't even thought about going to a salon or cutting my hair until I stumbled across a super easy fool-proof DIY video on Facebook.

I messaged it to myself for safe keeping.

And, as you can see, I've been marinating on it since August 7th.

I recently showed the video to my husband and informed him that he would be cutting my hair just like this.

He was hesitant, but I agreed to buy him a new Xbox game. 

For that, he'll do pretty much anything.

"How often do you wash this?" he asked, looking at the hair-sprayed mess.

"Everyday!" I chirped.

 

 

 

 

I lied.

But this is also the same answer I give to my doctor when he asks how often I exercise and drink eight glasses of water.

He mumbled something as if he was describing a dead animal... something about "dead" and "stinky", but, whatever.

 

 

 

A few seconds later he began snipping away.

 

 

 

And after the first snip he began to giggle. 

 

 

 

People, take my advise: It is never a good sign when your hair stylist begins to giggle while cutting your hair. 

 

 

It is also not a good idea to use kitchen shears to cut your hair.

 

 

 

 

At this point, I gave up trying to watch and coach him thru it, I just closed my eyes and gave up.

 

 

 

Its been two days and I still don't quite know exactly what damage has been done. 

Since the haircut Ive kept my hair in a bun.

 

 

 

I did however make a call to a super high quality hair professional at the salon in Walmart, since I received a coupon for 20% off in the mass mailer a couple of days ago. You know, just in case it really does look terrible when I try and fix it tomorrow.

 

 

 

The lady seemed a bit shocked at my request.

 

 

 

Apparently no one has ever asked her to take layers out of their hair.

 

 

 

 

After confirming my appointment, she then added, "Hey, I'll probably have to charge you extra, though."

 

 

 

"Why?" I asked.

 

 

 

"Well, people don't usually ask us to take their layers out. Why don't you just come in and I can teach you how to take care of them." she added. 

 

 

 

I'm over here thinking, lady, this is not a puppy! I have enough living things to take care of, no!

 

 

 

When I got off the phone my husband was laughing, "do you want me to dye it, too?" he asked.

 

 

 

Although, tempting, I declined.

 

 

 

I also rescinded my offer to buy him a new Xbox game. I did however, give him my full support to  cut hair on the side to raise money for it.

 

 

 

So ladies... if you like what you see, he can do it to you, too, for just $10.

Taking appointments now.

I wrote a book and it's based on a true story.

I'm kind of at a loss for words right now.  

So let me express to you the terrible, terrible, tragedy that just occurred the best way I know how. 

With my amazing artistic abilities.

Please allow me to introduce to you my new book called:

THE HAIR CUT MISTAKE.

 Written and Illustrated by: Roxie Long 

Based on a very true story.

Like everyone else, one day a beautiful girl named Roxie was browsing thru Facebook while in the bathroom, and she came across a DIY video depicting a easy-fool-proof way to layer your hair at home. It gave her a great idea.

She showed the video to her husband in an attempt to lure him in to cutting her hair.

He immediately shook his head "no" and told her it was a bad idea.

But he didn't have a choice, her mind was made up.

 So, very hesitantly, he agreed. 

She noticed he seemed a bit nervous.

 And before she knew it, his nervousness was out the window and he went Jackie Chan on her hair.

When it was over, she could tell by the look on his face that,  her hair looked nothing like the girl's in the video and in fact a big mistake had been made.

And slowly she turned to look in the mirror........ She was at a loss of words. 

She covered my mouth in complete shock!

 For the next  37 months Roxie never left her house with out her hoodie. Ever.

THE END.

Crushed Dreams

Like most 8 year old boys, my son has an obsession with all things herpetology. His excitement for this is equivalent to the excitement I have when my kids have to go to school on a holiday that I get the day off.

He LOVES 'em.

My feelings are the exact opposite.

This past weekend, while at a birthday party, I was approached by a random 7 year old girl, 

"Um.... excuse me.... ma'am? Did you know your son is putting rollie-pollies all over your back?"

Good times.

Lately, his enthusiasm for creepy-crawly terrifying creatures has resulted in him staying up way past his bed time on the weekends watching vicious snake videos on YouTube.

 So it wasn't much of a surprise when we sat down to write out a list for Santa and the very first thing he  listed was " a snake, or any reptile".

"Ugh..... CJ, I thought we already talked about this and I told you we aren't getting anymore animals?"

"No.... you said YOU weren't buying me a snake, so I asked Santa." he chirped.

"Santa is magical and he make dreams come true!" he added, happily.

"Santa also isn't real," I mumbled.

"Plus, its not fair... my friend has a komodo dragon!" he whined.

I explained to him that his friend has a BEARDED dragon..... big, big difference.

So, I was extremely not-shocked to find out he was caught trying to catch a snake at recess on the first day of school.

Thankfully he was unsuccessful and we aren't the proud new owners of a garden snake.

I will leave him to his wishful thinking and his hopes of what might have been....

Until Santa crushes those dreams....

 Coming soon, December 25, 2016.

Introducing to you: The 2016 White Trash Babies of the Year!

Be sure and pick up a copy of "Celebrity"- Polk Count Edition!

Meet the teacher gifts.

You know it's a new school year by the ... fresh pencils,  wrinkle-free new school clothes,  backpacks that don't look like they lined the bottom of a chicken coop?

You know the feeling us moms have? Laying out the kid's clothes the night before, packing wholesome fresh lunches- complete with a handwritten note, the home cooked breakfast that don't come from the toaster...

I'm just not there yet.

Here we are ,day 3, and it's kind of a miracle my kids are even going to school. 

 For example, you should of seen us at meet-the-teacher. We literally ran (okay, maybe not ran... I don't run). We brisk-walked into the school 8 minutes before it was over.  Our school supplies shoved into walmart bags that we literally tossed into their class rooms like grenades as we randomly shook their new teacher's hand. And because of our tardiness  (and my lack of preparation) CJ's bag of school supplies also included a package of his new school underwear. 

He wasn't too happy about this. 

Which is probably why he got caught trying to catch a snake at recess the first day of school. I imagine he was planning some major revenge with that. 

Thankfully he didn't succeed. 

Yeah.... unfortunately it's going to take me a while to get on my A-game this year. I blame Ryker. 

Man, that 4th kid is kicking my butt.

BUT! I did, however,  by the grace of God, manage to throw together these super cute "Meet the Teacher Gifts".

(Don't tell anyone but, I literally made these in the car on the way to meet the teacher, ssssh!!!)

If anyone asks,  it took hours to make these super-cute-really-expensive-handmade-one- of-a-kind-gifts. 

I'm not asking you to lie..... 

Okay,  actually, I am, K?

90's moms don't know shhhhhh....

While grocery shopping with all four kids today, an out spoken older lady (probably in her mid-50's- around the same age as my mom) in a scooter, caught me at my lowest.

The store I was shopping at was out of my kid's favorite flavor of Ramen. My kids were not happy and demanded I speak to the manager and Ryker had just sharted out of his diaper.

I wanted to run far, far away.

And that lady got me thinking... my mother's generation, the 90's mother, really don't know a thing about the struggle of raising kids today.
 

I mean, kuddos to you, who if you (like my mom) had four kids with no epidural, just for fun. (I had a C-section so I don't know what it feels like to push a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon, as my mom says.)

But, what I do know is, my mom's generation had it easy.

Example #1: Flashback! Back-to-school 1990-ish

You start by taking your kids down to the local Sears to go shopping for back to school clothes.
You buy the younger kids overalls and a wind suit and your preteen a pair of Guess jeans. You also buy everyone a Jansport backpack here, too. You have spent roughly $193.00 and you celebrate your accomplishment by taking everyone to Golden Corral for dinner.

On the night before school you throw the kids (unrestrained) in the Ford Aerostar van and hurry down to Eckerds to the 'Back-to-school' section to pick out a lunchbox. Next, you'll need to yell at them and tell them to hurry or they'll miss Boy Meets World. Why is it so difficult for a six year old to pick between Barbie and Inspector Gadget? And while they are deciding go ahead and grab a composition book for each kid and a pack of pencils, since that is all they'll need. Oh- and don't forget to save your paper grocery bags to cover their text books with after the first day of school.



And while you are checking out, buy yourself a pack of Virginia Slims and smoke two of them on the ride home, because with stress like that, you deserve it!




When you get home line all the lunchboxes out on the formica counter and open the bag of Wonder Bread and make them all Spam and Miracle Whip sandwiches, assembly line style. When you are done, wrap each sandwich in foil, fill a baggie with cheetos and secure it with a twist tie, and fill their thermos with koolaid. Compete each lunch with a twin pack-Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll.
And you are done, whew, that was exhausting!



Now don't worry about making breakfast even though you're a stay at home mom, the kids will grab a pop-tart on the way out to their 2 mile hike to catch the bus.



Example #2: Fast foward! Back-to-school 2016:



Take five deep breaths and say a prayer.




It's middle of July and you haven't bought crap. Calm down, if you order now, they may still have some of the BPA-free lunch totes that did not involve any child labor, sweat shops, or animal cruelty, in stock. You then remember you have Amazon Prime, so its okay, you will get it in two days anyway! So you have plenty of time to read reviews and research this very important decision since you have the week off from your kids because your kids are in summer camp. Summer camp is actually a fancy word for very expensive private summer school because OH MY GOSSSSSSSH! It was expensive! But they need it, those kids have energy to burn! You are still having night terrors about the time you stayed home sick from work and were confined to the toilet and your kids had a meltdown when something went wrong with the homemade play-dough recipe that was in their sensory box , which happened to be the very same day you sent your husband to the grocery store to buy Almond milk and all they had was soy and you had to immediately email corporate because soy is so 90's. Get with it Walmart!



Two days later the lunch kits arrive and so does your kids list of school supplies, which includes: a ten pound box of pencils, cleaning products, and Costco size box of zip lock bags.



Next, you frantically search online for backpacks made from all natural materials. Once you receive these, you must next have them monogrammed.



Now its time for school clothes. Take your kids to the mall and buy them each a complete wardrobe from Gymboree, Childrens Place, Gap, Abercrombie, and Justice. Congratulations you just spent $1667.52. And remember this doesn't even include shoes.



After this you need to make your child an appointment to the family psychologist to prepare them mentally for the difficult transition to a new grade, teacher, and classroom.




Now, if you have daughters you will also need to make them an appointment for mani,  pedis, and haircuts. If you have boys they will only need a haircut.



Next on the list is the "Personalized Meet the Teacher Gift" to be promptly given to each teacher on meet the teacher night. You'll want them to know in advance who the suck-ups are.



Its getting closer to the first day so you'll need to purchase school supplies, which is not to be confused with the classroom supplies you are also responsible for. Their school supplies list will include: pens, pencils, paper, folders, notebooks, a calligraphy set, and a graphing calculator.




Now its time to shop for their lunches. This will take you no less than four hours because you will have to read every single label to make sure you are purchasing organic, locally sourced, non-GMO, gluten-free products. You come home with rice cakes and bananas and somehow you have spent $59.22.



The time has arrived... the night before the first day. Start out by making a sandwich and forming it into their favorite Disney character and photograph it for Facebook. Now fill up their monogrammed yeti tumbler with coconut water. Also add bottle of Fiji water, kids can never be to hydrated. Ever.
Lastly- don't forget a handwritten note and inspirational quote.




The morning of you'll get up at 4AM and make "First Day of School" signs for each child to hold for photographs. Or you can just go ahead and make a full-on photo booth style backdrop.
Don't worry if you omit this step though, you can spend 3 hours later photo shopping your kids into their first day of school pictures.



Make sure and dress each kid in coordinating outfits and spend 35 minutes taking pictures with your phone.



Just to post on Facebook.



Now load everyone in the car and take them to school and spend 3 minutes in the parking lot crying until you remind yourself you are going to be late to work if you don't get your sh** together and get to work. In just 6 short hours to will be picking them up anyway and  chauffeuring them to softball and karate.



After you have worked an 8 hour day at your full time job.



So the next time those "90's moms"  say a single word about knowing how you feel, kindly remind them that they in fact do not have a clue.




The most stressful thing they had to deal with was deciding on a backdrop at Olan Mills.




Now head to Pueblo's and treat yourself to a margarita, cause you deserve it!

The first day of school {2016}

This year my kids are going in to first (Raigen) and third (Rilyn & CJ) grade.

Every year I have dreams about my kids' first day of school. In my dream the drop-off greeters would have to pry my kids out of my minivan and escort them in to the school kicking and screaming because they didn't want to leave me. And then they would cry hysterically as I drove away .... their little faces smashed against the glass door. And I, who would be an emotional basket-case, would have to call in to work to go home and eat a whole box of honey buns and count down the time until I could pick up my little love angels.

When the time arrived and I did get to pick them up, they would be so exhausted from their horrible day at school that they would throw themselves in to my minivan and an immediate fight would break out over who gets to hug me first.

Its looking like my dream may come true this year... maybe, kinda, sorta.

This morning CJ woke up at the crack of  dawn and dressed himself in his first day outfit. To make it extra attractive he put on a pair of soccer socks and hiked them up to mid-calve. He also splashed in an entire bottle of cologne. Luckily, I caught him before he applied the temporary pirate tattoo to his bicep. 

Ten minutes later his sisters woke up equally  excited. By 6:30 they had asked me 29 times if it was time to leave yet. At  7am I announced it was time and they were in the van and buckled before I could get my shoes on.

When we arrived at the school all the other moms were walking their kids in and taking pictures, some kids even started to cry.

My kids specifically asked if I could just drop them off.

I am pretty sure its solely because they didn't want me to walk them and see them cry, so I'm not taking it personally.

And before the minivan came to a complete stop, the door was open, and my kids practically all jumped out at once.

"I want a hug!" I yelled.

"I've got to find, Kaylen Mia, Audrey, Claire, Bre, Emma, and Chesney." Rilyn said, as if her life  depended on it. 

"Mom, our friends are waiting for us!" CJ informed me. 

I could tell their eyes were starting to swell with tears. They didn't want to make this goodbye any worse then it was. I could totally tell the reality of me leaving was starting to set in, so I let them go.

And just like that, they were running full speed... away from me.

(Probably so I couldn't see them start to cry,)

My husband called me as soon as I got to work. 

"How did it go this morning?" he asked.

"Well they were pretty much devastated to leave me... " I replied, "But with time I think they will be okay....."

I didn't get any pictures at school due to my children being on the edge of an emotional break down..... but I did get this picture before we left:

Ryker was all too excited to see the big kids off, it is just him and Pop all day today!
And they big kids were exactly 0% excited to be taking pictures at 7am.

Our perfect summer break.

Is summer break really over? .... Like, really?

We have three days left until the first day of school. Threeeeeeeee.

THREE!

Can you believe it?



At the beginning of summer I found myself hating summer. I hated that we were so stinkin' busy. I wanted so badly to relax and take a real break and slowly but surely we did. And it was awesome.

But, the last few weeks I've noticed my news-feed has been filled up with friends trying to cram the last bit of summer fun into summer before school starts back again.

Most of you did a lot more than we did this summer and that has me thinking...

Did we make the most of our summer?

We took one trip to Yogi Bear Park.

And we went to the movies one time.

But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that our summer was perfect.

This summer my kids spent multiple Saturday mornings happily helping their Lubby cook breakfast.

And learning how to make homemade lemonade.

This summer I took advantage of  our schedule-free Saturdays (when we had them) and I slept in. I even laid in bed for over an hour, scrolling thru social media, and listening to my kids play. 

And it felt so good.

This summer, on more than one occasion, I spent the whole weekend in my pajamas. I even let my kids do this, too! We ate snacks from the pantry for meals and  watched Bubble Guppies all day. Sometimes, those are the same days that all we did was lounge around in bed together all day on our Ipads. And you know what?.... 

Sometimes that's okay, too.

This summer I made excuses to go to Walmart alone, after dark. Just so I could blast KSBJ as loud as my ears could handle with the windows down. That's summer to me.

Just so I could shop for school supplies in peace & quiet in the same place, that before we know it, the Halloween candy will soon live.

This summer my husband and I were able to watch exactly half of a movie together. A real movie with bad words and adult content.

This summer on multiple Sundays, Rilyn and I made it a habit to get coffee together at the gas station, just the two of us. This was our special time. Josh would leave early to help teach a class at church and take the other littles with him. And after every one of our Sunday dates Rilyn would tell me just how much she loved our special time together. Those gas station Sundays will always hold a special place in my heart.

This summer I didn't have to get up extra early to get the kids ready for school so I stayed up extra late. Reeeeeally late. The house was so quiet and no one asked for a drink and I didn't have to wipe butts, either. No one needed me to find their I pad or comb out tangles. And I didn't have to chase Ryker. It was quiet and I was able to watch what I wanted. I even finished a few of my Netflix favorites: How to get Away With Murder and Breaking Bad!

This summer I didn't read as much as I wanted to. I was hoping to read a couple of new books. 

I read one, 'Something Borrowed'. 

Thanks, D'Ann!

This summer I sometimes let my kids be bored. I wanted them to experience real down time and what it felt like to be schedule-free. So much of their school year is filled with obligation after obligation. I wanted them to know what a summer break really was so, we were bored. Sometimes we found a new show to binge, (like Fuller House). Sometimes they watch 752 DIY videos on YouTube and then tried to recreate their own 358 times. Side note:Do any of my friends need to know how to make homemade lip gloss out of Vaseline??? If so, I have 187 videos just for you!  And sometimes they just played in the sprinkler. Boredom didn't hurt them one bit.

This summer, occasionally, I let swimming take the place of baths. Maybe baths are over rated when all you do is swim all day. Whats soap when you have chlorine?

Don't judge.

This summer I frequently woke up in a bed of legs and tangled sheets and once or twice a soggy baby diaper... that may or may not have leaked everywhere. Its the best and worst way to wake up. Best because those little people love you so much and can't stand to be away from you for even one night. Worst because you are sweaty from all the body heat and who wants to wake up to a leaking baby diaper? There is something so perfect about waking up and listening to the tiny snores of your children (and husband).

Yes, even when you are soaked in pee.

This summer I received a make-over by a highly skilled eight year old.

This summer I took my oldest son on a date!

 

This summer the kids cooked for us on more than one occasion.

This summer we got dirty.... and some of us got reeeeeally dirty!

This summer someone got their very first summer tan.

This summer we laughed, a lot.

This summer we relaxed a lot, too.

This summer we enjoyed family VBS!

This summer, occasionally,  we opted not to cook in exchange for our favorite restaurant.

 This summer CJ turned 8!

This summer Ryker turned 1!

This summer Daddy-O turned the big 3-0!

 

This summer these guys had a 'Guys Night'!

 

 This summer we also got around to some much needed home renovations.

This summer we relaxed!

This summer we spent time with family!

This summer we swam, a lot!

This summer we said "yes" to pajama days, "yes" to swimming days, "yes" to chips and Popsicles for a midnight snack, because it was summer and summer never lasts as long as it should.

In just a few short days we will be back to reality. 

So excuse us while we savor our last few days of our perfect summer break.